Thursday, October 16, 2008


I've been reading other blogs about people's different stories and how they've left their churches and the one common thing that I can relate to is the loss of community.

It's been a little over a month now and I still have my times where things will remind me of my time there or even dreams from the night before.

But along with where and how God has led me up to this point, doubts, questions, and fears will still come up because of the awful loneliness and loss of community that comes from it.

I mean that church was my life. This past school semester, I was at the church or performed in some sort of church activity 6 or everyday of the week.

Sunday - Morning service with the occassional 4 o clock service or deliverance session
Monday - Prayer with the brothers (which I actually enjoyed)
Tuesday - Bible Study
Wednesday - Men's Bible Study
Thursday - Life Group
Friday - All night prayer or other events that were scheduled
Saturday - Events...usually conferences or college nights

Rinse and repeat.

Don't get me wrong, I don't find fault with anything said above other than the extra things that would go on at a lot of them described in other posts on this blog.

I make this point to say that I was in contact or in fellowship with someone from the church everyday of the week. Other than school I had little time for anything else. At most of the weekend events I was usually one of the primary people working behind the scenes at one of the events to make sure everything was planned correctly.

But now.that I've left...nothing. I'm not even talking in terms of actually hanging out with the people from the church but the fact that no one has called. Not everybody knows that I've left and these people have contacted me a few times and had some enjoyable conversations.

But there are several people who either know that I have left or have not seen me or talked to me since May. With my two friends that left, it's the same as well and they actually LIVE on the campus with people from the church. They've not heard from one person on where they have been or anything. I don't know if people know or what but I just find it odd.

And I don't think of the people from the church as people who would shun other people.
So I guess I'm just confused.

But one thing God is showing me is that yes fellowship is important but will you still be strong in your faith if your church was gone? Have you turned your church into an idol? If the church was to just disappear would you survive?

And I'm talking about a building, a specific ministry with a name, not THE church which is the body of people who believe on and have faith in Christ.

But if so and so church were to disappear, would your faith dry up?

Yes activities and events are fun, but are they what fill you up? Is your faith based around how many activities you went to in a week at the church, and if you went to 5 that week, you had a pretty good week? And if next week you only went to one event at the church, you would be in a spiritual pit?

I know I was. I needed an event every weekend to make me feel good about my walk or faith that week. I needed more and more experiences to make me feel good. What I didn't realize or ask myself is why do I need to keep coming back for more like a drug?

Why am I still finding trouble for even basic faith in Christ? Where is that even keel in Christ where even through tribulation and storms in life, you still have the peace of God?

I didn't have it because I was letting the church dictate my faith by DOING.

I think I may have run off on a tangent so let me get back to my original topic...uhh :P

So yes, I miss the community and now I realize that this is actually making me step outside of my box to meet new people everyday and also use these new opportunities to reach out to people. Again I am an introvert by nature so this is a little more difficult for me, but I've prayed for God to create situations in my everyday life where I'm able to talk and meet new people.

I think another difficult thing for me is knowing that nobody has called me except for a few, but not being able to call them. I say that because if I were to call someone from the church, I am 100% certain that the question will come up of "So when are you coming back!!??"(for the people that don't know)...that will just open a whole can of worms and I am actually trying to avoid the conversation at all costs although I believe I will eventually have to have it.

So yeah, that's where I'm at now. Lonely. I have friends, but long distance. I think I'll be cool though.


getting there said...

once again I can relate to this post! I think church was my idol, it made me feel like a 'good christian' and now that its gone I am finding what the real foundation of my faith is.

I too feel very very lonely in this walk but you know what I think the ones who truly love the lord are the ones with few friends and more enemies.. My friend is Jesus.. I say this to encourage myself also. The biggest thing for me was my 30th birthday party.. i invited almost the whole church and only 1 person arrived.. obviously i had dozens of my unsaved friends come and celebrate my birthday. I saw then how fake it all was. They were not my friends. There was no community or real fellowship. Not 1 person has contacted me since I left and in a sense I am relieved because if they did phone, I would have to tell them what I think and believe and I think I am not ready for that.

I am learning to find myself beyond church walls. it's lonely and scary but I do think its a good thing and I think you are seeng that too :)

Set Free said...

I really like this post and I know how you feel. My heart goes out to you, because I've been there and I know it's hard. But I know God will bring new people into your life. We were in our former church for over 20 years and we were shunned and talked about after many years of service. But we have found a new group of friends who are real and they love God and they love us. You will too.

I am going to put a link to your blog on mine. I know your story will help people.