I've been reading other blogs about people's different stories and how they've left their churches and the one common thing that I can relate to is the loss of community.
It's been a little over a month now and I still have my times where things will remind me of my time there or even dreams from the night before.
But along with where and how God has led me up to this point, doubts, questions, and fears will still come up because of the awful loneliness and loss of community that comes from it.
I mean that church was my life. This past school semester, I was at the church or performed in some sort of church activity 6 or everyday of the week.
Sunday - Morning service with the occassional 4 o clock service or deliverance session
Monday - Prayer with the brothers (which I actually enjoyed)
Tuesday - Bible Study
Wednesday - Men's Bible Study
Thursday - Life Group
Friday - All night prayer or other events that were scheduled
Saturday - Events...usually conferences or college nights
Rinse and repeat.
Don't get me wrong, I don't find fault with anything said above other than the extra things that would go on at a lot of them described in other posts on this blog.
I make this point to say that I was in contact or in fellowship with someone from the church everyday of the week. Other than school I had little time for anything else. At most of the weekend events I was usually one of the primary people working behind the scenes at one of the events to make sure everything was planned correctly.
But now.that I've left...nothing. I'm not even talking in terms of actually hanging out with the people from the church but the fact that no one has called. Not everybody knows that I've left and these people have contacted me a few times and had some enjoyable conversations.
But there are several people who either know that I have left or have not seen me or talked to me since May. With my two friends that left, it's the same as well and they actually LIVE on the campus with people from the church. They've not heard from one person on where they have been or anything. I don't know if people know or what but I just find it odd.
And I don't think of the people from the church as people who would shun other people.
So I guess I'm just confused.
But one thing God is showing me is that yes fellowship is important but will you still be strong in your faith if your church was gone? Have you turned your church into an idol? If the church was to just disappear would you survive?
And I'm talking about a building, a specific ministry with a name, not THE church which is the body of people who believe on and have faith in Christ.
But if so and so church were to disappear, would your faith dry up?
Yes activities and events are fun, but are they what fill you up? Is your faith based around how many activities you went to in a week at the church, and if you went to 5 that week, you had a pretty good week? And if next week you only went to one event at the church, you would be in a spiritual pit?
I know I was. I needed an event every weekend to make me feel good about my walk or faith that week. I needed more and more experiences to make me feel good. What I didn't realize or ask myself is why do I need to keep coming back for more like a drug?
Why am I still finding trouble for even basic faith in Christ? Where is that even keel in Christ where even through tribulation and storms in life, you still have the peace of God?
I didn't have it because I was letting the church dictate my faith by DOING.
I think I may have run off on a tangent so let me get back to my original topic...uhh yeah...community :P
So yes, I miss the community and now I realize that this is actually making me step outside of my box to meet new people everyday and also use these new opportunities to reach out to people. Again I am an introvert by nature so this is a little more difficult for me, but I've prayed for God to create situations in my everyday life where I'm able to talk and meet new people.
I think another difficult thing for me is knowing that nobody has called me except for a few, but not being able to call them. I say that because if I were to call someone from the church, I am 100% certain that the question will come up of "So when are you coming back!!??"(for the people that don't know)...that will just open a whole can of worms and I am actually trying to avoid the conversation at all costs although I believe I will eventually have to have it.
So yeah, that's where I'm at now. Lonely. I have friends, but long distance. I think I'll be cool though.