This blog has completely taken over a new face in th past month if you could not tell. I've been primarily writing about my leaving my former church because this was one of the most difficult decisions I've had to make in my life and this past week I had to really ask God to help quell some anger and upsetting moods this week. I feel really alone right now as since a lot of my former friendships are cut off and my friends from outside that particular church are scattered throughout the country. I sat and reflected some more during this long work week and I just got angry because I know what some of the things I experienced did to me and how they affected my spiritual walk. I always felt as though I was "working" to gain God's approval and not resting in His grace, not resting in His finished work on the cross, and not resting solely on my faith in Jesus Christ that I am saved.
It angered me that I truthfully believe that there are more, not a lot, but more in there who have ad the same feelings as I have but won't say anything for fear of questioning God. And I refuse to contact anybody from the ministry purposefully to tell them these things because it will look like I am just trying to cause division.
I mean just reflecting on so many things. One of those things that I recalled was what I like to call "blind faith". Just stepping out on faith on anything as if to get God to act on your behalf.
For example, if I decide to sell everything I have and move to Miami for the sake of spreading the gospel, even when I have had no notion or desire to do so, that is blind faith. I am doing it just to have God act on my behalf in terms of blessings that I may receive from doing so. Now don't misunderstand me here. If you sincerely have a desire or a burden to do something like that, then of course there is nothing wrong with that. There is a difference although subtle between that and my first example.
In my case from hearing it so much, it caused me to do the same thing. When I was done with school, I really had no desire to stay down there without a job and I didn't think it would be wise to do so. But I was so committed to the ministry that I said to myself, well I'm going to step out on faith and keep my stuff down here and move in the ministry house....even though I don't have a job or money to pay rent...God will be obligated to bless me because I stepped out on faith.
My question is...stepped out on faith on what? The only thing we are to have faith in is God's Word and what He said He would do and what He commands us to do. God said He would take care of us but does that mean that a believer goes out and sells everything he has under guise of being faithful or serving God as a means for God to work? Or do I use wisdom as the book of Proverbs fully emphasizes so much in all my decisions. I fully believe that if God needs you to go somewhere and be a missionary or to be a farmer in Nebraska, He will put that desire in your heart and you can trust and have faith that God will take care of you either way.
This brings me to when Jesus was tempted in the wilderness. The Devil tried to tempt Jesus in to "proving God" by asking Him to throw Himself off the mountain. Now of course He could save Himself if He did so, but you shall not test the Lord your God.
If you step out on faith as a means to get God to act, it is testing God.
With that said, I will say it has been a real blessing to find other bloggers who have had similar stories and experiences. I will say that reading other stories, mine was not that bad. I would not call my former church a church full of "bad people". I still hope to be friends with them and I will def say that the leadership was not abusive in ways I've been reading, but the practices were abusive to me and my walk. Check out Discernment4truth in my blog list for another fellow believer who is currently on the same path that I am on.
Laterz.
God bless.
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3 comments:
Hi 3D, isn't it great to find that we are not alone. I can understand your anger, frustration and the feeling alone.
The great thing is, people have gone through what we are going through and they have encouraged me in seeing that they are closer to God than ever before because of this exact experience. God is sustaining and this is where trusting in His guidance, relying on His wisdom and digging deep into The Bible, His word really becomes all that we need and want.
I have addes you to my blog list too :)
God Bless 3D!
Hi 3D. Again I want you to know you're not alone in these feelings and they are, in a word, justified. It's pretty easy to almost become a 'maverick' against some of the manipulation once your own eyes are opened to it. But people really do have to find their way, just like you have. It's interesting for me to read what you're writing here, because a) I've felt it all too and b) your growth and openness to the spirit of God is evident.
Someone told me once - in the midst of all that process of leaving - that God will never speak to me through any means that is remotely coercive, that His words for me will not inflict guilt or shame, and that He is powerful enough to make the way clear. His gifts are not revokable. The biggest struggle in the C-church is that they look at gifts through an entirely different lense than the average Christian does.
Thanks for posting a photo ~ you look like a nice guy ~ and it's interesting how you found my blog, started writing more about your experience as a way to sort of "work it all out" in your own mind. God is kind to us. ~Donna
Hi, I found you through Getting There, and just wanted to say that I understand a lot of what you've said. I am 4 years out of a wildly charismatic church, and there is definitely a lot of things we have to work through when we begin to question charismatic practices.
I wish you the best, just follow as Jesus leads you. It can be painful and sometimes lonely, but it's worth it. God bless.
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